Really? Really, Olive Garden?

So, yeah. I wouldn't say I'm the biggest lover of Olive Garden, but ever since the Two Pac, sometimes the bread sticks and soup sound really good to me. And, this extra rainy fall day was no exception.

Anyway, we got there and as soon as we were seated with Wendy the Waitress, I knew we were in for a world of hurt.

"WENDY"
-- MELANIE

"Would anyone like to sample some wine?"
-- No, thanks. Cheap waters all around.

"Are you in a hurry and here on work lunch?"
-- Yeah, Wendy. And I'm really hungry so let's move this along. (SHE WAS SLOW AFTER FINDING OUT WE WERE IN A HURRY, BUT WHATEVER)

-- And I think we're ready to order. (All three of us were getting the never ending Soup Salad Breadstick extravaganza)
"Okay. Let me just put your drink order in and I'll be right back."

-- Really? A drink order? Is that what you call three waters? Tell you what. I'll put the drink order in and you take the real order.

4 breadsticks and the salad bowl later (yeah, 4 for 3 people. awesome), we were at least eating and I was happy about that. Not as happy about the fact that the soup wasn't here yet and I knew they were just holding it on the back burner. It's not like a made-to-order item, is it?

Anyway, she comes back and asks to take our salad plates.

--Um, no. I still want salad. In fact, I'd love another punch bowl of pseudo salad.

-- Could we get some more salad, please?
"Sure. If one of you wants to finish this one, I'll go get you a fresh one."

Really? No, really, Wendy? It's a little bit of onion, crutons, and the drippiest part of the salad dressing. Delectible to most discerning palates, I'm sure, but yeah. I'll scoot all that around and when you get back with the next punch bowl of white-ish lettuce salad, I'll give trade it in for the fresh one... which I'm sure is probably just the ends of 14 other peoples' poor attempts to 'finish' the salad before getting a fresh one. So, 'fresh' is now a loose interpretation of the salad from all angles, in my opinion.

If you've ever gone to the OG, I'm sure you can guess the rest. She held out on breadsticks like she'd made them herself and carted them back from her Italian homestead in war-like conditions and hellish weather. I'm sure they were frozen and almost shot out of her hands a time of two--and we (and by we I mean me) had to ask for them every time, which is the worst when you're all-you-can-eating because you're rethinking it and hating yourself a little for saying it all outload... AGAIN. But you know how you have to hurry and eat them all before she comes back so you can secure another round? That way maybe her waitress instincts will just kick in and you won't have to humiliate yourself and ask yet again for the round of breadsticks that are now simply coming in 3s-- one for each of you, per Wendy.

-- Can we have some more breadsticks?
"We're on hold for breadsticks right now."

Really? What does that even mean? I thought she was using the WE as a collective way of saying, "You've had too too many and now you're on hold."

Now, by this time I've had two bowls of soups, a glass of water, a full bladder, a belly full of babies, and been force-fed the endings of a couple of Punch Bowl Salads in an effort to secure fresh (remember?). Recipe for XL and full. Nevertheless, "on hold" was not a revelation I reveled in-- and, I'm sure I had a horrified look on my face before I simply said back to her, "Oh, okay. I'll just wait."

Yep. I waited. With an already extra full belly, for marginal breadsticks. I waited and I ate them and taught HER a lesson. Oh wait....

that's ME that can't stand up straight and is ordering everyone to say NOTHING funny because I'm just about to round the corner of Burst Street. SO SO full. God bless digestion, because otherwise I'd still want to die.

I hope we all learned a lesson or two here. #1, if Wendy's your waitress, maybe just ask for someone else who will give you 2xs the amount of breadsticks as there are people at your table. Because we all know, that should be the ration.

2 x #ofpeopleinyourparty = correct # of breadsticks to be brought to your table at a time; (see picture, Wendy. yeah, 6 at a time would have helped the cause)

continue in neverending fashion until patron begs you to stop and switches to desires to having multiple mints at a time. Apply Breadstick-To-People ratio.

#2 - know when to say when and don't let "circumstances" spiral down in to a sad version of the pride cycle that ends in you wanting to a.) die or b.) stop having laughs in an effort to not burst.

More sometime,
Melanie

PS - Dad, I know you axed Olive Garden along with Dominos and Holiday Inn from your list of patronable establishments. Oh, how I should have listened. :)

Oh, You Want a Post? I'll Give You a Post

Hip, hip hooray for Skyler Day!

I think this might be one of the things you're not supposed to post on your blog. Doesn't the list go something like this:
1. SS #
2. Bank account # complete with PIN
3. The list of people you've embezzled $ from
4. *** Letter of admittance stating that you're squandering employer time
5. Birthday wishes

Is that not right?

But I'm breaking all the scared-of-the-internet rules to post for the world that it's THIS guy's special day.

Truthfully, he's not much for birthdays, but it seems like I have managed to indoctrinate him with at least a modicum of the true spirit of the season. He's really taken to the rampant use of phrases like,
"But it's almost my birthday so I don't think we need to clean the house."
"Basically, it's my birthday so we have to go to Cafe Rio today."
"We don't have to go to get up for church today, right? After all, it's the day before my birthday."
"I heard underwear is optional today. Because, it's my special day."

Okay, so I made up the last one, but all the other ones and then some have been used a time or two over this last weekend.

Not so much in the spirit of the season... he thinks it's okay to open your presents before the day of the day. Um, not so much. This Birthday Purist had to keep a few things for the Day of the Day. So, I did. It's for his own birthday good. Otherwise you get to the D of Ds and it's sad that there's nothing to unwrap, debag, etc. Not awesome. So, there you go. The chairs for the deck that I couldn't pick up myself you already know about, but surprise factor still in tact for a handful of other things. Yessssssss! You'll thank me later for MAKING you celebrate on the Day of Your Day :) I'm sure of it.

Happiest of Happy Birthdays to YOU, Skyler!! It is YOUR special day and only a handful of more hours before ***we're done with work and really celebrating.

More soon, maybe,
Melanie